The Flint Hills Observer
May1997

Local Lesbian Shares Experiences with Panic and Anxiety Disorder
Note: the author's name has been withheld at her request

I have been involved in the Manhattan/ Junction City community since 1985. As a member of this community, I am writing this article to describe Panic and Anxiety Disorder (PAD) in hopes of educating and increasing the awareness of the community in order to support others in my situation. I know currently of five women in the community who suffer from PAD to some extent. This story is not for me, but rather for those I love who are in similar circumstances. My goal is to increase awareness and in doing so add support where it is vitally needed.

In the 12 years I've been in this community, I've had three friends commit suicide. One, Chaney, was my partner's best friend. Her suicide affected me in a way that nothing will ever affect me again. Chaney shot herself while we stood 10 feet away. That is when my PAD began; I was 21 years old. PAD is thought to be a genetically predisposed condition, which begins when a person is worn down or unhealthy. Characteristically, the PAD comes with irrational fears that escalate into physical reaction. For example, whenever I go some place that I fear I might have a panic attack, I literally cause myself to panic due to that fear. It is a "fight and flight syndrome." The brain says there's something to worry about and the body reacts to ready itself for battle by dumping what feels like a ton of adrenaline into the system. The system is then flooded with a racing heart, heart palpitations (skipping, flipping or jumping), dizziness, shortness of breath, sweating, shaking, a very strange feeling of being detached, weak legs, not being able to swallow, the feeling of suffocation, a tight chest, pain in the chest, numbness or tingling of the extremities, or a combination of any or all symptoms.

Due to my fear, I developed what is called Agoraphobia, which is a fear of going anyplace "unsafe." We agoraphobics have what is called a "comfort zone." That zone expands and retracts according to life circumstances. For example, I could travel with someone (as long as I wasn't alone) for two years and then, when riddled with unexpected bills and a family crisis, I became fearful and panicked more often. As a result, I was unable to travel at all. Sometimes I can drive across town on a regular basis and then I have an attack and become unable to go two or three blocks from home. The comfort zone shrinks very easily. In order to retain the expansion, I have to work up confidence once again, which can take months and requires great courage. Of the five gay women with PAD in this community, the best case is such that medication allows the respondent relief and life goes on pretty much as normal until the medication needs adjustment. And, the worst case, much like my own, is where a person literally becomes house bound (unable to leave the confines of their home--a place of safety). I was house bound for 9 months in 1989-90. I could not go outside without ending up in the emergency room. It makes life practically unbearable.

In educating people about PAD it is necessary to point out the importance of support. Support is essential. But, the respondent will always feet it is not enough. Sounds strange, doesn't it? PAD is a terrible thing to live with for the sufferer, as well as for family and friends. People get so frustrated. Because of the duration (often for life) and the fact that the sufferer seems to get better and worse depending on life circumstances, it is almost impossible to endure in a relationship. Personally, I have lost relationships with three beautiful women due to my PAD. PAD is overwhelming, because people do not have the skills to endure. The respondents' feelings rule their existence, and most of what they feel is fear. It is a constant worry process.

I am currently writing a book entitled Alone, Naked and Afraid. It describes the feelings of a PAD sufferer. The "Afraid" part describes the PAD itself, it's raw, unabashed fear and the body's response to it. I've been working diligently for two years to cognitively change my thought process so that my fear subsides. I work on not being afraid, or being afraid but not avoiding situations due to that fear. That aspect has brought about a vulnerability, a nakedness of sorts. I can no longer hide in safety, but rather have exploited my nakedness by truth. In searching for the truth rather than the irrational fear, I can no longer clothe myself in the protection of my avoidance. And, that has escalated into a loneliness. PAD sufferers feel as if they are alone anyway. The suffering they endure is extreme. Often PAD sufferers contend that they are dying; something is very wrong with their body. Many are hypochondriacs. They know something is wrong but doctors can't seem to find the problem. So, they continue their search for someone who can pinpoint the problem. Sometimes this costs thousands of dollars, as in my case. The path to cure is an aloneness in its own right. And that is where support is essential.

PAD sufferers demand attention, affection and validation. They have fears that must be validated in their minds. In seeking that validation, their irrational fears become apparent to everyone but them. And, that is lonely. They must stand Alone, Naked and Afraid in order to heal.

What does a support person need to do? First and foremost, set limits. The PAD sufferer will sap energy out of anyone who will get them, and contend it's not enough, because it's a lacking of self-reliance that is the true problem--not cognitively, but emotionally. So, it is paramount that limits on the time and energy spent on the fears is established. A support person needs to love that person with patience, kindness, compassion and as much understanding as possible. Anger has no place; it forces blame and rejection. If you know of anyone who suffers from PAD or similar symptoms, they can contact Pawnee Mental Health (587-4300), Sister Joan Wolf (565-5000) or Michelle at 565-9754. Therapy with someone trusted is important and it is essential to come to honesty of self in healing. A supportive community leaves isolation out and doesn't poke fun at irrational fears, but rather offers an ear and opens a heart. Just to know people acknowledge, accept and care lends the sufferer the needed courage to walk Alone, Naked and Afraid through the fear.

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