She Speaks
by Deb Taylor

Despite the fact that I’m very happy that President Clinton is STILL President Clinton (sorry, Kevyn), the rest of the elections has left me quite depressed. Come to think of it, I felt this same way four years ago, when the religious extremists initially reared their ugly heads en masse in the U.S. Congress and in State Legislatures. Actually, I remember feeling this same way even eight years ago, when Dukakis lost (miserably) to Bush.

At least in 1988 I could fall back on the fact that Sheila Hochhauser and Katha Hurt had won their seats as Manhattan’s State Representatives. They were legislative "newbies" at the time, but I liked the way they talked and so I had vigorously campaigned for them. Their campaigns were my own introduction into local politics. (Lana Oleen won her first bid to the Senate that year as well.)

In 1992, Clinton become President and Katha lost her seat to Kent Glasscock. But Sheila still won her seat, so I felt a bit of comfort in rationalizing that two out of three really wasn’t so bad.

1996 has been difficult to digest. I am very personally offended to know that, in addition to all of the assholes Kansans voted into power, Sheila lost her seat as my government representative. You see, to me, Sheila represented more than just a government leader. As Sheila learned how to be a state representative, and a very good one, I learned the importance of making my own issues known to people in positions of power.

When I was FHA president, Sheila was the first non-queer person I ever invited to an Alliance meeting. She took a genuine interest in us as a minority group, and she eventually became quite well-versed in our issues. Additionally, Sheila appreciated us as a special group of people in Manhattan. Our community knew this about Sheila; our biggest numbers to FHA meetings have always been when Sheila came to visit us. Not only that, Sheila’s positive reaction to us encouraged us to ask even more leaders in Manhattan to speak at our Alliance meetings, from the mayor to school board members and many others. Sheila opened the door to group empowerment for those who were looking for it.

And now Sheila is gone (politically), and I am having a difficult time making sense out of this mess. Prior to her losing her election, I always felt a little comfort in rationalizing that, even though most lesbigays in Manhattan don’t actively seem interested in our issues, Sheila did. I would reason that maybe it was okay that only a few of us in Manhattan worked openly and diligently to change attitudes in Manhattan and Kansas with respect to queer issues because, when you got right down to it, Sheila represented votes and the power to change things. She seemed okay with the fact that only five or six of us kept her posted on queer issues; she trusted that we were speaking truth when we told her that more than five lesbigays live in Manhattan.

And now Sheila is gone, and I feel very powerless (did I ever even have any?) and very vulnerable. And quite lonely. I have to start all over again, building an alliance with a 23-year-old inexperienced overly ambitious male who I fear will be nothing more than a pawn in the Kansas House. Jeff is a likable enough person, but I fear that, given his desire to rise in politics, he will sell out on our issues and other important issues in order to move to the top of a Kansas House already saturated with narrow-minded, unqualified, and one-dimensional extremists. And right now I’m too tired to teach Jeff things he should already know. To be honest, some days I get tired of being a token dyke. I know why past leaders like Kevyn Jacobs are no longer actively involved: burnout is hell, and fighting with such a small support team is dangerously self-defeating.

As a try to end my weeks-long pity party, I spend much time each day trying to look for the bright side of things (this is truly a groping experience). I remind myself that good things ARE happening in Manhattan. BGLS, for example, is incredible. Its leadership is the best I’ve seen in years. Not only is BGLS building and educating the group, its members are taking on positions in key areas in KSU’s Student Government. Others are creating internet home pages and administrating listservs. Some are even thinking about running for Student Senate. And all of the current active members are enjoying learning about issues and each other. They are doing things right. Those of us who do nothing and who are bent on sacrificing getting issues done for continuing personal grudges can learn a lot from BGLS.

November will pass, and I’ll get past my bitter disappointment over the 1996 elections. I’ll always wonder how many lesbians, gays, and bisexuals in Manhattan failed to show up to the polls and vote for Sheila. But I’ll regroup emotionally and reprogram my thinking. And I’ll be happy for the small advances made by some of our wonderful Manhattan community members. I just hope this will be enough to keep us sane and strong to face the evil anti-gay legislation which is almost surely forthcoming.

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