Thursday, October 18, 2001

Hey Guys and Gals,

FHA has asked me to discontinue publishing The Triangle starting with the October 2001 issue for an undetermined amount of time (basically, until FHA members are able or want to start reading and contributing articles). I'm kind of sad about it. But I believe good leadership is representative leadership, so if the members of FHA do not want a newsletter at this time, as a public servant I will surely follow suit.  However, if y'all ever want to start it up again, I'm happy to help out with the web version. You know how to reach me. Please enjoy our last issue....

-Jen Bame
 

Table of Contents:

• The Insignificance of Significant, by Brenda Hanger
• Dear Gabby, by Gabrielle St Charles
• Community Events

Articles:
 

The Insignificance of Significant
Brenda S. Hanger, LSCSW (bhanger@flinthills.com)

For the past three months, I have been in the process of gathering information, education, and, more often than not, frustration in the attempt to reach resolution to a chromic condition I experience. For my efforts, I now know that the condition known as TMJ affects more women than men, usually exacerbates around the age of forty and can persist for years. The symptoms are just as likely to stop and never return as quickly as they began. As a result of my gathering process, I have accumulated numerous assessments composed by well-meaning, well-informed and well-intended professionals. I could compose a litany of the various theories, thoughts and just plain guesses about the causes, cures and components of TMJ.  But, that is for another writing and not by me. For I am now certain of two facts regarding TMJ: I experience it and one event that is likely to surge it is my researching it.

Having been in the process of my research, I happened upon a most significant fact and it has nothing to do with TMJ: but, I suspect the finding will contribute to my development and awareness level more than any remedy for my dental malady. During the course of my accumulation of data, I read all the various assessments conjured up with all of the theories, conclusions and recommendations. Two words caught my attention and led to my rethinking of the word marriage in describing GLT relationships and my clarity of the absolute necessity of GLT couples being allowed to marry. Those two words were significant other.

As I read the words which were the description of my partners’-scratch that-spouse’s and my relationship-scratch that-marriage a deflation crept in. I immediately gained a clarity that significant other did not encompass nor give value to the reality of my sixteen year marriage that has all the trappings, bumps, hurdles and commitment that any legalized marriage possesses. My marriage has outlasted at least ten couples that I have known in the last decade. It has outlasted my parents’ marriage and one of my sisters’ marriages. Yet, despite my use of the word to those well-meaning professionals, in print it was diluted, dismissed and made less than what it is by calling her and it a significant other. Alas. I have been enlightened. As a staunch supporter of civil unions, I was not aware of how this description contributed to my own marriage murkiness: how the term partner contributes to misrepresentation and cover up of what is reality. Law firms, criminals and businesses have partners. I have a wife. To be less clear is to facilitate a “less than” position. I become my own oppressor. Both presidential candidates supported civil unions as if the sanctity of marriage is a privilege reserved for heterosexuals.  Civil unions do not provide equal benefits and they promote legal uncertainty. They are an illusion in the march toward equality. They do not create equity regarding health benefits, reproduction, material possessions, social security benefits or medical status. There exists a daily less than thread that permeates the marriage. Vocabulary is powerful and I will no longer define my marriage in any less than terms than what it is.

I will no longer be placated by the friendly realtors, car salespersons, bankers, and, yes, therapists, who appear accepting to the term partnership but cringe at the word marriage. I will no longer allow “other” to define my marriage when filling out endless forms. I have often wondered if it is my homophobia or others potential homophobia that I am reacting to when couching my words in ways that are less reactive.

There is something very fundamental about marriage that transcends any other word that might be used to replace it for couples that are seen as something less. Marriage is valuing and giving full equality to the commitment and investment of the individuals in the couple. It is taking on the right to join as a couple as well as the responsibility to dissolve as a couple in the event of divorce. Without marriage, we do not have the benefits of divorce: a word we whisper is secret. The divorce process, which allows some clarity, resolution and validity to the individuals is not ours. We separate with anger, confusion, sadness, and a disparity that perpetuates inequity. We are not allowed to enter a system that discerns value of the marriage.  And, a little more of that “less than” sticks on us. We do not have the clarity of when our marriage begins or when it ends. Too frequently, the community around us is also unclear.

I do not ask that anyone agree with my thoughts. I ask that the GLBT community begin to challenge ourselves to begin to claim our own words and to not agree to a watering down of our relationships that have the same components, require the same skills and are up against more hostility, hiding and dismissal than other relationships. In this ever-evolving coming out process, I am no longer defining my marriage in any other way than what it is. I will no longer absorb the anxiety of others by inventing words that place my marriage in an “other” category.  I was able to practice this new step. While at the dentists today, I was asked to update my personal and medical history. More of those endless forms. How liberating it was not to hesitate at the question of marital status and look for the most suitable box to check. I immediately checked married and filled out information requested on spouse.  To do less would have perpetuated this less than view of my relationship and all the other GLT marriages.

Brenda S. Hanger is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan, KS. She lives with her wife, Lori. They have been married for 16 years. She may be reached by email at bhanger@flinthills.com or 785-776-3141.
 

Gabrielle St Charles is a local Salina woman with a national following for her lesbian romance writing. To contact her, write via email to RomanceWriter4u@aol.com or via postal mail at C/O Bella Books, PO Box 201007, Ferndale, MI 48220 or at Gabrielle St Charles, c/o Pride Industries, 124 E Ellsworth,Salina, Ks. 67401. Also, please visit her website the Dear Gabby website for more wonderful romance advice.

Dear Gabby,

I had a girl tell me that I couldn’t kiss. She was the first woman I had ever been with and now I am afraid to be with anyone else. I am so painfully shy that I don’t know how to begin to learn to kiss. Is there any way you can teach me on a piece of paper? I doubted the possibilities, but I love reading your column and you always have the kissing tips, but I don’t have a partner to practice on. I feel the fool here. How will I recover from this and what do I gauge my kissing ability on?

Brit

Dear Gabby,

I have never really learned how to kiss. I had a girlfriend of mine recently tell me that I needed work in this area. I am mortified. I had no idea she felt this way and inevitably it was the reason that she broke off with me. I don’t know what to do. I now feel very self-conscious and at the very least, unable to quit thinking about it. I t has done real damage to my ego. I am nice looking and quite successful. I had no idea. What can I do?

Liplock in Las Vegas

Dear Lips and Brit,

I am so very sorry to hear that someone made that kind of comment to you. I would feel just as you do. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way to kiss. No person should tell another that they ‘don’t now how to kiss’. But, you are in luck … The first thing to remember is Practice, Practice, Practice. I am thinking that you need a very cooperative partner now. But, first we have some things to go over. Kissing is an statement, truly an art. It is my most favorite thing to write about in my novels and short stories. I hope that I can help you. First of all, let us start with the basics. Lips, lips, lips. Service those lips. Go to the nearest mirror and avoid all thoughts. This might wound very unflattering, but necessary. Go find out what your lips look like. I take notice that before I kiss someone, I tend to look at their lips; lips are a beautiful thing. Some are small, some thick, some thin, but all have a life of their own. Start noticing people’s lips. When they talk, when they eat, become observant. The basics of kissing start with good hygiene. Looking good and feeling good is essential. Brusha, brusha, brusha those teeth, floss, care for your wares. There is nothing worse than kissing something unpleasant. Kissing and intimacy involve a perception, a full perception. This includes, taste, smell, touch, sight, and hearing, a reveling of the senses. Your senses can tell you what and when to do something, if you are in tune with them.

Once in the mirror, look at your lips. Lick your lips. See how it feels. Gently run your tongue over your lips as you watch. It sounds a little narcissistic, but really it is imperative that you know what it feels like to be kissed. Your lips must be soft. There are lip care remedies available if yours are chapped. Care for your lips. Now close your eyes and continue doing the same. Feel your lips on your tongue. The feel is the important thing. Basically you are going to feel how it feels to kiss. Run your tongue over your lips very slowly, feel the sensation it causes. The next step is to find a willing partner. Someone you can talk to is essential. If you have an ex girlfriend, who is still a friend or someone who is single who you can talk to easily, ask them if they will help you out. This will probably be your biggest challenge, finding the right partner to help you out. Once found, you are in a great spot. Get your partner to help you out. What we are shooting for here is someone who will let you kiss them. They don’t need to kiss you, you kiss them, that is imperative. Sometimes it’s just important to know how the person you are kissing likes to be kissed. You can try this little exercise. Hint: Remember to suck gently while you are kissing. If there is no sucking, there is no kissing. Do not suck the tonsils out of your partner. Movement of lips does not a kiss make. Practice making kissing sounds on your hand. Curl your index finger under and place your thumb next to it. You should see a resemblance to a mouth in the corner of your thumb, about the knuckle. My girlfriends and I, in high school got many hours out of the thumb thing. Make sure you hear a perfect kiss. Then you are ready for this exercise. Tell the person you are kissing to kiss you for three minutes. In that time, you are not going to kiss them back. And then switch roles. Tell them to kiss you like they want to be kissed. Pay attention. This is how they can show you what they like. Notice the pressure they place on your lips, if it is gentle, forceful, passionate, tender or furious. Most kissing will be playful mixture of all these.
Practice. That is how you really learn how to kiss. Just do it a lot. You can kiss a platonic friend to see what it’s really like. I, personally, like to put my emotions behind my kiss. I have a number of kisses and it is very refreshing to take my partner through a course in kissing. For example:
Hi Honey I am Home Kiss- I softly brush my lips across her lips and say, “Hi, Honey, I am home.” It’s short and sweet and welcoming.

The First Date Kiss- After I decide it’s okay and welcome to kiss my date, I make sure I am in close proximity. As far as getting to their lips, I think it only polite to ask someone if I may kiss them. Usually I have them so close to me, I move into their ‘space’ and with my eyes locking on theirs, I move forward a bit, to tease them a tad. I then ask very softly as I take my hands to their face. Cradling the face is seductive and gentle. A first kiss should be both those things. I then ask, “Can I kiss you?” As they start to answer or nod their head, I move forward, closing my eyes as I lean and tilt my head slightly (I sometimes wear glasses) and let my lips brush theirs. I can tell how responsive they are in that moment. If I feel their hands come to my body, or their lips engage with mine, I know that it’s quite all right to continue. I then follow their lead, always acknowledging my personal limits as well. If it were not okay, they wouldn’t have me that close. You can tell when someone is going to kiss you. Most of the seduction of a kiss is in the moment right before and the first touch of the lips. I love the feel of a new kiss. You don’t know how it will go; you don’t know if your lips will fit perfectly and you don’t know if your entire body will react as well. It really is a mysterious thing.

The I Miss You Kiss- This kiss can be seen for miles in coming. You now you want to kiss her. She wants to kiss you. And from ten paces you know it’s coming. You fall into an embrace and immediately you engage in eye contact only long enough to know that she is yours. You let your eyes close as you lean forward and engage lips. The crushing feeling of her lips falling on yours and parting to let you in feels like nothing else on earth. Hands are groping and emotions are flying, furious and free. Your lips express all that time between you and how you thought of her and how you truly missed her and are glad she is back in your arms.

The I Love You Kiss- This kiss is a smoldering kiss. For me it’s like this: I brush my lips gently across hers and my hand pulls her close to me from at the small of her back. It’s a full body reaction. I part my lips enough to move between her lips and part them for her. I am drawing from her and giving at the same time. My tongue gently traces the outline of her soft lips and I pull my full bottom lip across hers, my tongue reaches softly to her and I pull her towards me even more and my lips crush down on hers in a passionate exchange letting her know that my whole being is her possession and that I love her intensely. It becomes demanding and yet ever so tantalizing.

The I am IN LOVE With You Kiss- It starts as the I love you Kiss, but continues for a longer time. The demand becomes increased and your bodies mold together as one. Hands are hard to keep under control; they must feel skin. It’s an exploration. Your tongue glides over lips and exchanges flicks with her tongue. You move to her ear with your lips and do a bit of nibbling, whispering, nibbling, followed by a moan that will mark her for life from the pit of her stomach and travel outward through her body. You will feel that electricity moving through her and it will mark you. BULLSEYE. There are so many more kisses, but these are the funniest, I think. Here are some bad examples of bad kisses, so you can judge. I picked it up off the Internet.

Lizard Lip Kiss- crusty, scaly, shedding lips are OUT. If you run your lips across someone’s skin or lips, you shouldn’t draw blood.

Off to the Races Kiss- You might want to give this person some Valium. You shouldn’t appear to be having a nervous breakdown, flicking and flinging your tongue everywhere, darting and moving in a high-speed swirling motion as if on a washing machine spin cycle. Keep it light and airy until passion is needed.

Tonsillectomy Kiss- French kissing is great, spoken from a true French woman, BUT a little restraint is necessary on the depth of this kiss. If you have e tendency to extend your tongue to full length into your partner’s mouth, be sure to see that it has favorable reaction. Not many girls I know want their tonsils fondled.

Black Widow Kiss- You could swear you had to find the corpse, because you can smell the decomposition. Dental hygiene is of the essence. Brush, floss, use mouthwash or gargle. Chew flavored gum and watch what you eat prior to kissing. Sometimes what you eat can definitely make kissing an less than pleasurable experience.

The best kisses are those that leave your knees weak, your tummy in knots and leave you wanting more and more and more. Kissing is statement of feelings, no words necessary. You will want to convey certain things to your partner without having the ability or the will or even the desire to express them I words. Pay attention to your mate’s response; see what turns her on o off. The goal is to go down in history with just a kiss in such a very good way.

  Upcoming Community Events
 

You may find a  listing of LGBT Community Events in Manhattan Kansas at
http://calendar.yahoo.com/qsa_ksu.
 

If you would like information about events state-wide, visit The Liberty Press at http://www.libertypress.net.